Monday, June 16, 2014

New Life, Slow Return to Running, and Bumps in the Road

It has now been one year, five months, and one week since my first back surgery. Two days later was the second one. In my last post, I discussed the surgery itself and the few months afterwards. My recovery continues well. For many months, I felt changes and shifts in my lower back as the bone grew and the fusion took. I went to see my surgeon every few months. Usually, he took X-Rays to check the status. That ends up being a lot of X-Rays. With my family history, extra radiation is not a good thing. So, once it was clear the repair was going well, he stopped the X-Rays and went by how I felt, which was somewhere between very good and mind-blowingly excellent. I had suffered with severe pain for so long, that the total lack of it seemed to give a sensation of just the opposite – a good feeling, kind of like a nice morning stretch. I had a hard time believing the surgery was that successful. My surgeon seemed a bit surprised, too, but in a way that showed it was the result he intended, and therefore he was not too very surprised. At least that is what he wanted me to believe. Before the surgery, I would not have expected this, and he prepared me for a different result. I can perfectly understand that. In any case, I remain pain free to this day. I had a bout of moderate pain, brought on by not paying attention getting in and out of small cars. I bent where I do not bend anymore. A course of steroids ended that. I just have to remember I am not exactly the person I was before.

At surgery plus 13 months, I visited my surgeon for the last time. He told me the fusion took and he was done with everything he could do. He sent me off to what would be for most people a “normal” life. I knew I would test his work beyond what would be considered “normal,” especially for someone my age. He knew that, too. I was so ready to get into shape and get back to my ultrarunning adventures. Of course, I had not waited until that point to start. But, I had to be careful and not push too hard, for fear of ruining all that good work. Now would be the time I could commit and go for it. I was registered for the Napa Valley Marathon and the Nanny Goat 24 hour Run. I was excited.

I do not know what really happened. I did not make it to Napa, and then I had to defer my entry to the Nanny Goat. I had not yet reached even 30 miles per week, and my long run had been 6 miles. I am still struggling and not finding my way back.

Well, actually I do know that a lot of things happened. But, I am not clear on why I am not getting going. I was lethargic on my runs. I did not feel the happiness of being on the road as I had. I don’t like cold weather, and it was plenty cold. I felt weak. Hills were real trouble. My neighborhood is full of hills, steep hills. None of this would have slowed me before. I would have taken it as more of a challenge to get myself in order and get with the program. I felt lazy. I napped a lot.

Then came the gut punch at work. The project I am working on is the Stratospheric Observatory for Infrared Astronomy (SOFIA). It is a NASA program that is a Boeing 747SP jetliner with a 2.5 meter telescope fitted into the fuselage. It flies at altitudes above most commercial aircraft (up to 45,000 feet), which carries the telescope and science instrument above 99% of the atmospheric water vapor. At infrared wavelengths, this is required to be able to see celestial regions whose light would otherwise be blocked by the water vapor. This is a unique observatory. Nothing else like it exists. The lifetime of the program was to be 20 years from the time we reached full operational capability.

SOFIA in New Zealand July 2013

Full operational capability (FOC) is the rough equivalent of a spacecraft launch followed by an in orbit checkout phase – a major milestone for any project. Ours was a long time coming. We hit that milestone in March 2014. Two weeks later, the President’s 2015 budget was released. SOFIA was to be effectively canceled.

It was like getting sucker punched and then kicked in the stomach. We had given a huge amount to make FOC happen, and we did it in style – ahead of schedule and under budget. Now we were told it did not matter. We would be shut down before we could even prove what we could do. It made no sense. This was a political move to show spending would be reduced, basically without regard to what or why the cuts would be made.

It made me sick.

I had planned for twenty more years. Now it looked like my team and myself would be on the street in a few months. Our German partners in the program were pissed off, to say the least. NASA, it appeared, was pulling out of a long-term agreement with no warning and after considerable investment by the German taxpayer.

Observing aboard SOFIA. The science instrument and cabin side of the telescope visible full aft. Left side are the telescope operators, right are the instrument operators, mission director, and science flight planner.

There was some hope. It became clear to us in the management team that NASA was not responsible for this cut. It seemed they were as surprised as we were. At least that is what our Headquarters insiders seemed to indicate. But, they work for the President, so they had to treat this budget as an action to them. To save the program, it would require both the Senate and the House of Representatives to agree that SOFIA should not be canceled, and to make their own budgets with it restored. Our government currently is not the model of compromise, action, and agreement that we would like it to be, so this seemed like a long shot. The company I work for is contracted to NASA for science operations of SOFIA. They put on a full frontal lobbying effort. I traveled to Washington D.C. as did others in my management team, to make sure certain NASA advisory committees and others were able and willing to support us. With a huge amount of uncertainty for everyone involved, this would take several long months to know anything.

A problem for me is I have been through events like this before. Four times prior, I had been working on NASA projects that were canceled. Twice this came just as I had started with the new job. As I was depositing my boxes in my new office, I was told to not bother unpacking. This was after a long and difficult relocation. Amazingly, and with a lot of effort, each time we were reinstated after months of stress and uncertainty.

But, this time was different. This cancelation simply made no sense. It is hard to argue against something that is not logical or reasonable to start with. There had been no peer reviews, not hint of a problem. It just happened. I was not sure how to feel. Should I start looking for another job just 1.5 years after starting this one, or should I hang in and join the fight? I decided to join the fight.

No matter what, I have a skilled and dedicated team to worry about. I care about them. We had a new staff member start the day we got the news. I think I felt worse than he did. At least he did not have to relocate himself and a family across the country like many of the team had. My job now was to be the optimist, to give the team hope, to keep us going through a difficult spring of observing flights. There was every good reason for everyone to just give up and bail out. Not only did the project need to do the best we could, we needed that team to stay with us. But, it was not all about the project. I really did feel like we could make it through this, somehow. I wanted the team to feel some hope, and certainly, as little stress as possible. I kept a hopeful face on, and took the team’s stress onto myself.

It was a difficult time - A really very difficult time.

My fitness suffered. I was even more tired all of the time. The weight I had lost went back on. I found it impossible to get a regular running program going. This was compounded with the difficulties I had found just getting going otherwise. I ran when I could and when I felt well enough to do so. I felt like I was going backwards. I was. I started power walking – the way I got across Death Valley with my bad back. It was something. It was not what I wanted.

I was miserable. I felt emotionally and physically shot. I napped excessively. I ate too much and not well. I was off track in so many ways. I was stuck. I wondered if I wanted to be a runner at all, much less an ultra runner. My very identity was in crisis.

At this point it might be worth mentioning that no matter what side of this issue you might fall politically, it still involves people, many very dedicated people, some of whom have given their career to see SOFIA fly and make astronomical history. There are engineers, designers, telescope operators, flight planners, pilots, safety techs, instrument operators, managers, mission directors, ground support, and many more. Getting any highly advanced NASA project like this into operation takes years of hard, dedicated effort. As the project goes from development to operational phase, the intensity of work is at its highest. Nothing seems to work right, systems fail, routine seems like a pipe dream, and management insists all is well and we keep pushing. That is where we were, and there was light at the end of the tunnel when we got word of the President’s budget. What! Why?

What has been happening on Capital Hill has been nothing short of remarkable. There was complete bipartisan agreement that SOFIA should continue. The House of Representatives voted to restore SOFIA, at a reduced amount, but it was a strong statement. The Senate has been proceeding with a budget that would fully restore SOFIA and provide NASA astrophysics with an enhancement over that of the President’s budget. So, things are looking good, though Congress and the President must finish the budget process before it is a done deal. My team and the rest of the staff are settling into a less excited and uncertain state. But, what of next year, or the next? Because of the way our country does budgeting, we cannot know for certain. Every year we will wait with pained anticipation of what the President’s and Congress’ proposed budgets will bring.

Dawn breaking as seen from the stratosphere.

What all of this meant for my running was nothing but bad. I was having a hard enough time. This just seemed to be a nail in the coffin. Walking into work was like stepping into a blast furnace of stress. I could not show that it was getting to me. I had to do everything I could to look relaxed and confident. I had to set the tone. That was the most important thing I could do. I have to believe it paid off.

Everything came together in a way I could not have expected, or planned. When we needed it the most, SOFIA came together. Flights went off as planned, systems operated properly, the science instruments gave few problems, and the team – many of whom work for me – preformed flawlessly. We flew many VIPs during this time, including congressional staffers and others. We flew our Airborne Astronomy Ambassadors, high school teachers from all around the country in a special program, who saw a great preforming observatory and team. It was exciting to be a part of it, and to see it happening.

Where I am now is hopeful for my running. The weather has warmed. SOFIA will be leaving for Germany for maintenance throughout the summer. I will have time and most of my work stress will have passed. I just need to do it, right?

What could go wrong? Frankly, I am still worried that there are issues beyond my control that might get in the way. Have I suffered some nerve damage that is impacting my running? It is possible, maybe even likely. I can’t tell for sure. I am overweight. I must take care of that. I must eat better, and less. I cannot stress eat anymore. It has to stop. Although an imaging test about ten years ago showed I had no arterial build-up, zero, zip, nada, my life has been one challenge after another for much of the time since. Could I have some new heart disease developing? I doubt it, but it would explain why I might not have the energy I think I should have, and the ability to get back to running like I think I should. I will consult my doctor on that one. I think I might be looking for excuses, because that just seems so unlikely.

I can accept nerve damage. I can even accept heart disease, though I would be pissed off about it. I cannot accept that I am too old, too lazy, too out of sorts to run.

I am a runner. I have been for 40 years. Running has taken me places I would otherwise never have gone. It is who I am and how I define myself. Oh, I am an astrophysicist and that took some doing, too. Maybe I will write some other time about how that happened to a near high school drop out and motor head. But, it is being a runner that makes me a better person, a more interesting person, a far happier and contented person. Running is my safe place, my motivational place, my church, my home. I cannot see a future life without running.

Yet, as noted earlier, I have asked myself if I still want to do it. To get back to where I want to be, it will be hard – harder than ever before. I am out of shape, overweight by not a little bit, and I am older. I am at an age where it does matter. Many people stop running long before they get to my age. Most think starting at this point is too hard, too much effort, maybe not even possible. I am sure that is true for many, perhaps most. Yet, there are plenty who continue into their senior years just fine. There are also many who only find running in their senior years. Age is not an excuse. It is another challenge to master, for sure, but not a full stop barrier. Not if I do not let it be.

So, here I am – old, fat, and maybe a little bit broken. Cool. What more motivation to get out on the road do I need? I have things to fix, physically and emotionally. I have a life to live, adventures to have, and miles to go before I lay down for that long sleep. I will get back out there. I will run if I can, walk if I must. It is just that simple.

Damn. It is so cool to be a runner!


Onward.

"Badwater" Bill
Acton, CA


Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Rebirth


My plan of posting updates immediately following my surgery did not happen very well. Before the surgery, I got wrapped up in helping Deborah through her recovery, then there was work, and my new life. But, I want to let you know what has been happening and how things are going.

First, I want to say that Deborah’s recovery from her traumatic encounter with a car has been good. She had to be non-weight bearing on her left knee for three months. That is thankfully past, and she is in physical therapy to regain lost strength and get full use of the knee again. That is also going well and Deborah is nearly back to full health. That is a real relief.

As for my surgery, there were some last minute issues that caused the date to be changed one last time. Again, the insurance balked at authorizing the full double fusion surgery. The MRI was not conclusive that I needed the L5-S1 work, in addition to the full front and back approaches. My surgeon, knowing better, made the agreement that he would do the front approach and assess the situation. This meant that I would have to endure two three hour procedures on different days, instead of one six hour version. At this point, I was so tired of the struggle, so unable to do anything about it, and so in pain that all I could say was, “Whatever.”

So, now February 9th would be the day for the first surgery. Deborah drove me to the hospital for a 5:30 am check in and a 7:30 am start time. I was more than ready. After getting checked in and prepped, the nurse attempted to start my IV. I said attempted. She went for the vein in my left wrist just below my thumb. She stuck the needle in and taped it up, after which she went about other business. I started to feel rather poorly, and Deborah asked if I was OK. I said, “That hurts. In fact, please get her over here and get this thing out of me!” I have never done well with IVs in my hand. I thought I would bite the bullet because I would have lots of needles in me before this was over. But, this just was not right. The nurse ran back after Deborah called her. Indeed, she found that the needle had completely missed the vein. Unfortunately, my blood pressure dropped and I went into a form of shock. This is one of those weird mentally triggered physical responses that is very real. I sure got their attention. What I really wanted was a drink of water, but of course, I could not have that. They wrapped me in cool towels and lowered my head. In about 15 minutes, I was back to normal. The nurse was mortified. A different nurse started a new IV, and all was well.

I met the surgeon who would deal with my abdomen and would move things to expose my spine to my primary surgeon. I met the doctor who would make sure I was properly asleep. I also met a medical technician who would monitor my nerve function during the procedure, making sure whatever the surgeon did, they would know in real time if any nerves might be impacted. She put electrodes all over me. This was something that helped make Deborah more comfortable.

Finally, I said good-bye to Deborah, and I was wheeled into the operating room. I waved to the medical tech at her station in the corner, met the rest of the nurses and other support. Laid out on a table was an extraordinary selection of bright and shiny hardware. In addition to the usual surgical tools, I identified what were clearly some power tools. I like power tools. The table they would move me onto was a rather complex contraption. I asked how they were going to get me on that. It looked difficult. They said, “Don’t worry – you will be asleep.” Ah, OK then. We will come back to this later.

The anesthesiologist put the gas hose on my nose. “Just oxygen,” he said. A second later, I said, “That is definitely not just oxygen.” He smiled down at me, and said, “You’re right.”

Three and a half hours later I woke in the recovery room feeling very uncomfortable, but not in pain. Deborah tells me that she was not there. I am certain she was. Soon after they rolled me into my room and showed me the button for extra morphine. Morphine – now, in case there is any doubt – works brilliantly. My stomach had an eight inch incision. My guts had been moved around like so much baggage, I had six screws and two plates installed on the front of my spine, and two new artificial disks placed where my old ones used to be years ago. I was catheterized, groggy, uncomfortable – but I was not feeling any pain. I was OK with that.

“Have any numbness?” Yes, my thumb is numb. It was, in fact, very numb. To me, even in my reduced mental state, it was because the poorly installed IV needle had hit a nerve. But, this caused no end of concern for the nurses. They called my surgeon. My internist was informed, and I received a call from him. Geez, it is my thumb. My surgery was in my lower back. The two are not connected. I just laughed and laughed when my MD called. He told me I was clearly doing fine. The thumb did bother me, though, and I talked about it.

I turned the TV on and watched the interesting colors flash on and off. There might have been some images and sounds, but I could not tell for sure. I think Deborah was there. Nurses might have come in and checked things. I pushed the morphine button and watched day turn to night and back to day again. I think my brother and his wife came to visit. I tried to eat a little of the full liquid diet food. It did not like it in my stomach. The nurses helped to clean me up. They gave me pills, changed my urine bag, and I pushed the morphine button. The “question” started – “Have you had a bowel movement?” No. If I had, I would have told you because I ain’t moving from this spot.

It might have been the next day, or the same day, or the day after that, when my surgeon came to visit. He checked my bloated stomach and asked how I felt. I told him I did not feel much of anything. He told me that my L5 – S1 junction was much worse than he expected, and he repaired it as needed. He told me he would do the second surgery a day later. I cannot remember what I said, but whatever it was it caused him to say that we could wait, if that is what I wanted.

NO! I want it as soon as possible!!”

My outburst likely could have been heard well down the hall. My surgeon smiled and made the plans.

Day moved into night again. The TV stayed on, for whatever reason. I tried to read. Nope. The page just made no sense. “Have you had a bowel movement?” No. OK. Just no.

It must have been the morning of the second surgery, Sunday February 11th, because Deborah was in my room at dawn. I guessed it was dawn, because it had been dark for a long while.

The preparation went smoothly this time. I would have a different medical technician monitoring my nerve response, and I would not have a second surgeon this time, Going into my back would be generally simpler. The hardware would be heavier, however. This time, because they would have to put all my weight on my stomach, I wanted to be asleep when they rolled me over and put me on the operating table. Yeek.

This time I do not remember waking in the recovery room. I just remember being back in my room, and being very uncomfortable. I was laying on the work my surgeon just did – another eight inch incision, with a drain coming out of it, six big screws, and two more plates. I was really liking the morphine.

Day turned into night. I could hear Deborah coming down the hall on her crutches. I liked that sound, because it would mean she would be there for a while. I heard that sound all night long, and thought I was dreaming. It turned out to be a printer mimicking the sound of crutches.

“Have you had a bowel movement?” No. Believe me, I will let you know.

My surgeon came by and checked his work. He removed the drain. At some point someone removed the catheter as well. Out came the urinal, because I was not moving from that spot. I used the morphine button.

I was started on oral narcotic painkillers in addition to the morphine. The first one, I think it was Percocet, resulted in really intense hallucinations. I did not care much, but Deborah was worried.  So, I was switched to Norco. That worked fine.

I think my internist sent a friend from the ER to check on me. He might have been a nice guy, though I cannot be sure if he was even a guy. For all I could tell, he was a large rabbit. A friend came to visit. Similar deal. Hey, Dave! You sure do have big ears.

At some point a physical therapist came by and showed me how to get out of bed. I did it, but I did not want to do it. I used a walker and moved around the room a bit.

“Have you had a bowel movement?” No. “Well, you cannot leave until you have had a bowel movement.” Oh, good. Threatening me will surely scare the crap out of me, right? Not.

Another day passed and another visit from the physical therapist came. This time I got myself upright and walked down the hall with the aide of a walker. My surgeon came by again. He asked if I wanted to go home tomorrow. “Yes, please!” He said he wanted me to walk a lap of the floor, and then he would release me. Ah, a challenge. Good. He never said anything about my bowel movements. Unfortunately, that was, in fact, an issue. I had not had any solid food since the day before the surgery. I had no ability to make it happen. The nurses called my internist. We tried Milk of Magnesia – nothing. Late in the night, I was given something stronger, a lot stronger.

“Have you had a bowel movement?” Yes, right now! Help me get to the bathroom, or we are in for a fun clean up.

OK. That was messy, but it was out of the way – Now on to walking the floor. Being an ultrarunner has advantages in cases like this. The therapist came by and I told him what I needed to do. He was definitely skeptical. With my walker, I showed him how walking two days after major back surgery was done. He was not skeptical any longer when I raced a man with a new knee, and dusted a woman with a new hip.

I was going home! Less than six days total in the hospital, and that counts the day between surgeries.

It has to be said – I was sad when the morphine drip was removed. The pain started soon after. The ride home was intense. At least I had the Norco, and I downed several during the hour long ride.

The next two weeks are basically missing from my memory. Deborah was trying to get me food and help me in other ways, but she was still on crutches. She had a real challenge on her hands. A home nurse came by, measured my incisions, and took my temperature and blood pressure. She never came back. I did not need her. A home physical therapist came by twice. He showed me some exercises that were easy for me. I walked him to the door using my walker the first day. He was surprised I could do that. The second time was several days later. He brought some tennis balls for my walker. While I appreciated that, I had ditched the walker the first day I had seen him. He did not come back, either. The pain and discomfort were considerable, but bearable with the help of the painkillers.
 
Nice work! It does not even set of the metal
detectors at the airport. I checked.
My back incision. No stitches - medical "super glue."
The front was too ugly to show here.

I regained feeling in my thumb after about a week, maybe a little longer. When I was looking at my incisions in the mirror, I noticed I had significant bruises on my legs and back. I am not certain now if they gently placed me on the operating table, or threw me there. I was very asleep, so they could have done just about anything. I kind of like the idea that they played a game of throw the patient while they waited for the surgeon to get ready. I enjoy amusing people.

By the third week, I was walking a mile down the street. Slow, deliberate steps, but I was moving. My bowels where moving just fine too, thank you, though getting on the toilet was a new adventure in pain. I was able to start eating somewhere other than bed. I was starting to sleep through the night. I started to go to work, which surprised everyone. This required dropping the narcotics, because I need to think clearly and make quick decisions.

Every day I felt the changes. Some numbness in my left leg decreased and is now gone. Years ago, I lost feeling in the front of my thighs. You could have put a cigar out on them, and I would not have known. I fully expected that those guys were gone forever, and my surgeon expected so as well. But, right away I found that sensation had fully returned.

I was up to about 3 miles of fairly hard walking, but still careful, by about 2 months post surgery. I have to admit to getting a little frustrated at that time, because I could not run. I had to let the bone set to ensure a proper fusion. Even a little pounding or a too aggressive twist could ruin that. Running at that point just was not safe. So, to ensure I did not attempt it, I stopped the long walks. Not the best thing, but the safer thing. I know myself. It was the best thing at the time.

It has now been four months since the surgeries. My doctors promised me 80% pain relief, and that I likely would not regain the lost function in my legs. There might have even been other damage caused by the surgery itself. That is the way these things go. But, with big, giant smiles on their faces, my surgeon and my internist both have said that I have scored the rare 100% success. Not only has my surgeon taken my pain away, I have regained all lost function and sensation. All nerves have returned to normal. I am told that just does not happen. I knew I had a world class surgeon, but this is beyond dreams.

With the OK of my surgeon, I have started light running. At three and a half months post-surgery, I wrote this note –

“Three and a half months ago, my medical team performed two major surgeries on my back in an attempt to give me my life back. They said we are doing this so that you will not have pain anymore. We are doing this so that you can run again.

Today that promise was kept.

Today I ran.

It was a mile. I panted and coughed just like I am beginning again - I am. It was a long mile. I took it slow and savored it like a long ago forgotten favorite song. It was a short mile. I wanted more, but I have to learn to run again. It was the best mile. When it was done, I cried a little, for I had no pain.

Today I ran.

And even better, tomorrow I will run again.”
 
My first run of my new life.


Just this week, I wrote this –

“Tied my running shoes with my feet on the floor today. First time in years. Ah, the little things....”

I have a long way to go. My body will continue to heal and adjust to the new hardware for about 8 more months. I need to remain careful to not do anything that will damage my surgeon’s good work. Once healed, I will be able to return to a fully normal life, a life without pain. I am like a novice runner again. One mile, two miles, a little more are the goals now. Each time I go out, it gets better. Easy, though. I still must take it easy and not push too hard. But, I know I am going to get back where I want to be. I will get there through hard work and making sure I let my back finish healing. I owe this to my surgeon, who did what he needed to do to make me run again, at no small risk of not getting paid for one of the surgeries. I owe it to my internist, for helping me in the first place. He listened when so many doctors did not. I owe it to Deborah, for living with me through this, for fighting when the fight left me, and for supporting me through this and through the ordeal that can be my dreams. I owe it to me, for simply enduring and continuing to live my dreams. 

When my surgeon first saw me after the first surgery, he told me it is a wonder to him how I could have done the running and walking that I had been doing with what I had going on in there. I smiled and said it was just pain..... He looked a little stunned and said, "That could not have been just pain." I did not disagree.

To celebrate my return to running and my fantastic return to life without pain, I have registered for the 2014 Napa Valley Marathon, my favorite marathon. It is my deep hope that I can continue in this vein toward Death Valley in August 2014 for my long planned self supported solo crossing. Friends at my current job, and from my old one are clamoring to help out. It will hurt to say that my goal is to do it without help. But, they sure will be welcome to come out and urge me on. That would be more help than anything else could ever be.

I feel so good. It is really hard to believe. The expression of being reborn is overused, but, in fact, that is how I feel.

Onward.

“Badwater” Bill
Acton, CA 

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Onward

The long road that seemed to never end, has finally come to its last miles. I have received approval from the insurance company for my back surgery. In the end, it was not an issue of whether I needed the surgery or not. That seemed clear to all involved. It was a small, yet for me critical, issue of coverage for the double fusion. The wording in the insurance policy is clear -- such a surgery is not considered required unless there is clear evidence of dislocation by a certain percentage. Had this been clear to my surgeon and myself during the initial appeals, it might have not taken so very long. The bottom line, the evidence is not there. So, they have approved a fusion at L4-5 and basically a replacement disk and relocation of S1-L5. But, the approval clearly states that if my surgeon finds need for the second fusion during the surgery, that he is authorized to do it. This is fantastic news. I know that my surgeon has no intention of leaving me partly fixed. I will get what I need, and he is authorized to do so.

During my final appeal, I read a statement I prepared about my history, my current status, and how this is making a mess of my life. I was thanked by a panel member. In the end, I think that statement made them want to find a way to make the surgery happen in the way we all knew was required. Yet, that restriction made it difficult for them. After some questioning of my surgeon, this final outcome was found.

Bottom line -- we won. I will get everything I need.

This is another lesson in not giving up and never quitting. It took me some time to get motivated for this fight. My wife and friends kept me going when I could not. In every important way, this was exactly like an ultra marathon. And, like an ultra marathon, my crew made all the difference.

My surgery is January 25th. I feel ready. It will not be fun. It will be painful and the recovery hard. I don't care. Mentally I am more than ready for what is to come. In the end, I will cross a finish line of freedom from pain and a return to the life of running and extreme adventures that I so wish to have back.

My wife will be there to support me during my recovery. I am getting some pre-payback, however. I am supporting her during a difficult recovery time right now.

Sadly, my wife, Deborah, was walking in a cross walk of a shopping center parking lot when she was hit by a car. She was battered and bruised badly, with a huge black eye where she broke the windshield with her face. The worst injury is to her knee where the bumper hit it. She has a minimally depressed tibial plateau fracture, an injury right at the knee. She also has a badly torn MCL. A CT scan shows that surgery is not necessary to reposition the break. But, she must be non-weight bearing on that leg for a full three months! That might sound easy, but it is not. Between the break and the torn MCL, it is also very painful.

I cannot help but think about just how close she was to getting killed. Just a few more miles per hour and she likely would have cracked open her skull and dumped gray matter all over the driver. While that makes for a great visual and a just payback, it would not have resulted in a continuation of our life together. I am much happier with the current result. All in all, she is just recovering from relatively minor injuries -- a lot of them, all over and in her body, but still relatively minor individually.


Deborah will still be on crutches while I am laid up. That will be interesting. We have been through a lot together. This is just a bump in the road. I am going to be fixed, and she is still alive. That is good enough.

So, as I was going to do six months ago, I will post here my progress through the surgery and recovery. I have set my recovery goal of getting to Death Valley in 2013 and doing my self supported solo crossing in August. That is my goal. If my aging body does not let me recover fast enough to make that happen, that will be OK. I will have tried. Recovery is just one more ultra marathon in this thing called life. I will, no matter what, be ready for 2014.

I could not look at it for a while, but now I can and use it for motivation. Please let me share the photo log video I made after my 2010 Death Valley crossing, Death Valley Express. My bad back was killing me, but I made it. Slowly, with a recovery from severe dehydration, but I made it. That is all I really wanted to do, and really could expect to do, given how bad my back has turned out to have been.

Find the video by clicking here. Turn on your sound. The music is a big part of the message.

For now, stay tuned. This surely will be an interesting adventure. Different, but interesting.

Onward.

"Badwater" Bill
Acton, CA


Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Ain't No Chain Strong Enough to Hold Me


The battle rages....

I am continuing to fight the war with my insurance company. There is a battle here and a battle there. Most importantly there has been no retreat from my side. My team, composed primarily of my MD, my surgeon, his staff, and my wife, will not back down. Though, I have to admit that I have felt defeated more than once, and more than a little let down by all this.

Things were getting worse. In addition to the pain, the nerve damage was starting to increase and show in different ways. My knees started bucking out from under me. There is numbness in my thighs, and I have a general sensation of weakness in my legs. I started to get really nervous about where this was going.

It was a friend that reminded me of the things I have done, planned to do, and a lot about who I am. She said, "Maybe this is why you are an adventure ultra runner - for the mindset." I had to stop, and think. I do not believe in fate or destiny, but I do believe one can make one's own future, and that we are the sum of what we have done and the memories that we have. So, this statement hit a nerve. I thought about how this ordeal is like an ultra run. It has mental ups, it has real mental downs, and it requires unusual commitment to continue. The difference is that this ultra must be completed. I cannot stop. I cannot drop. It is simply too important. It means my life, not that I will die without it, but the life that I want, indeed must live.

Friends have given excellent suggestions that I have followed up on. It is clear, however, there are steps
that must be taken in this process. I am really only beginning.

It was true that I was stuck in a down spot. I was tired, feeling beaten up and beaten. I had a hard time believing I could go on and that there ever would be a good outcome, even if I did.

My friend's comment to me helped me rethink where I was and what I was doing. I got myself a better outlook.

About this same time came a note from my surgeon. He said to keep up fighting the insurance, but also to rest assured that I would have this surgery.

Wow.

That was the other thing I needed, it appeared. A real statement that I would be OK. That my surgeon would see to it. I don't know how, but I believe him.

I felt good, and posted this to my ultra runner friends on Facebook:

"If I get through all this with the expected result, I promise to all of you that I will do extraordinary things with a working back. I must to make all this worthwhile to all those who have supported me through this ordeal.

I will make Marshall Ulrich and Lisa Bliss look like wussies! OK, no one can do that - but, I will push like never before to find my own boundaries, just has they have theirs, only to find they have no boundaries, no limits."

The responses I received were priceless. Lias wrote - "Yay! I would be just thrilled to be wussed by you! Of course you can do it!" Marsh was on a self supported circumnavigation of Death Valley, but I am sure he would say something similar.

I was ready to hit the road and do something amazing. But, I can't really do that, yet. I can continue to fight, and get the treatment I need. When that is done, look out!

"Ain't no chain strong enough to hold me.
Ain't no breeze big enough to slow me.
Never have seen a river that's too wide."
-- Clarence `Gatemouth' Brown

Oh, and since you are here, follow the link in the right side panel to see the movie I made from my Death Valley experience in 2010. That was when I earned my nickname.

Onward.

"Badwater" Bill
Acton, CA

Monday, July 2, 2012

Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You ....

This is a post I do not want to write, but I have to do so. I think I cannot express myself better than I did in a Facebook post and a comment on Friday last week. Though it is not something I like to do, I will cut and paste that into this post. Forgive me for that. One thing of note - this started the day of the Supreme Court ruling on the Affordable Health Care Act.

"Lost my surgery today. Insurance has flat out denied coverage. This is clearly related to the transition in coverage and an attempt to deny a pre-existing condition. This happened yesterday, an historic day. I have to believe this is, in part, a reaction to that.

To say I am disappointed is a grand understatement. I might never get over this case of man's inhumanity to man.

There are options for fighting, but it is going to be long and hard and might never be successful. To pay for this surgery out of pocket will take everything my wife and I have. Do I have to consider that - yes. But, it is truly frightening.

I would like to sign off in my usual way, and I will. But, it will be hard to face the day today. I am just so deflated. It will be like rolling on four flat tires.

Onward."

And the response to a comment:

Comment from FB Friend: "Do the appeal Bill. Many insurance procedures are denied first time. It is a business decision. Most people don't appeal and the insurance company saves money."

My feeble response: "Been fighting for seven months. This is the 3rd denial [after approvals] and it is only a week out from the surgery. My surgeon and his entire staff are furious and shocked. What happened to me was not a business decision. It was pure spite. I have had to work job transitions around this surgery, prepare for several weeks off, and prepare emotionally for what will be a very painful recovery. I won't go into how this will impact my work and what that might cost others (including the taxpayer), My disappointment has turned to fury. I have been in crippling pain for months. To say that is not important is cruel, vindictive, and inhumane. This country must go to a single payer system. The Affordable Care Act does not go nearly far enough. Our friends from the North know what I mean. I once had proper and humane healthcare support. It was not in this country."

I was pretty steamed. Though I am feeling a bit better, and can see a couple of positives in not having the surgery this week, I have to steel myself for a fight - a fight I should not be having.

With that -

Onward.

"Badwater" Bill
Acton, CA

Friday, June 22, 2012

Life Happens....


I have waited a long time to write this post. Mostly for good reason. There have been many, almost too many, life changing events happening in the past several months. There just has not been to motivation to do it. However, I really must give you an update. That countdown clock has been running and some people have been watching it.

It is with some, but not a lot, of regret that I must say that Death Valley Express III is postponed. I thought long and hard about this. The fact remains, that I might have been able to get out there, but it likely would not have been good. Several months ago I started the process of ending a 15 year job to start a very new and different one in a different city. That included selling a house and finding and buying a new one,  plus packing up and moving. My bad back also started to give me extreme trouble. Also. I had surgery for a bad plantar fascia. That went extremely well, bye-the-way. But, it was just one more thing. 

With all that, I declared I would not be able to train properly for DV Express III. It has been officially postponed until 2013.


Last day at Caltech
My new backyard in the Mojave desert. It could not be better.
First new neighbor to stop by. Friendly place. His name is Gopher, Gopher Snake.

Now, the real issue has become my back. No amount of training will change this. Because I started feeling weakness in my legs, my spine surgeon requested a quick MRI. We found that my ruptured disk has completely deteriorated. I have virtually no space between vertebrae. To make matters worse, the adjacent disk is also gone. This much was not expected. I went under a general and received nine injections of steroids to relieve the pain. It helped, but not like it has before.

Surgery is now required. There is no longer a choice. My surgeon and my internist are very concerned I will do real nerve damage without it. It is no longer about just suffering and enduring pain. We are talking bad stuff here.

A cut from my MRI. The one of the bad disks is pretty obvious.

To help make sure I will have full function and can run, the surgery will be a double fusion with replacement disks. This requires two surgeons, entry through my back to apply the brace, roll me over, and entry through my front to insert the disks. Six hours with an hour to turn me over, at least three days in the hospital, more than two weeks initial recovery, and months until full recovery. 

This will all happen on July 6th, 2012.

The good news is that I will run again! I will run again without pain, or at least much minimized pain. That will make it all more than worthwhile. I can't wait!!!

So, watch this space for updates on the surgery and recovery. Death Valley Express III will then go off as planned for 2012 in 2013 -- and I will be running!

Onward.

"Badwater" Bill
Acton, CA